About Domestic Abuse | Safety Plan - Guernsey Domestic Abuse Forum

Safety Plan

Step 1 - Help Yourself Stay Safe
If you are living in an abusive relationship and are not ready to leave, you must keep yourself and your children safe. You are not responsible for the abuse but you do have a choice about how to respond to your abuser and how best to keep yourself and your children safe. Whatever your reasons for staying, you do not deserve to be abused. If you decide to stay with your partner and work things out, seek outside help. Do not try to do this alone. Talk with someone, see contact page.

Safety During a Violent Incident
It will not always be possible to avoid violence and you have probably already developed many strategies by yourself to increase your safety. Below are some ideas, which other women have used.

If you need to leave your home quickly, think about a safe way to do this. What doors will you use? Are there any windows you could use in an emergency?

If you think a violent incident is about to occur, try to move to a low risk space where there is not easy access to weapons and you have access to an outside door.

If possible, tell a neighbour about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear suspicious noises. Teach your children how to use the telephone so they can contact others for help. Think of a code word for your children and friends so that they will know it is an emergency.

Use your judgement and knowledge of your abuser. If the situation is very serious, you can give him what he wants to calm him down. It is important to protect yourself until you are out of danger.

Step 2 - Prepare a Safety Plan for Leaving
Sometimes women have to leave in a hurry. This might be when, for them, the relationship is over. It might be to escape a particular assault, or to take a break for safety and for sanity. It gives time to plan and think. Making a crisis plan is a way of feeling more in control and giving you more confidence. This is just a suggested plan of action, which you can change to suit you.

Find somewhere you can quickly and easily use a phone. (Neighbour? Relative? Other contacts?)

Make and always carry with you a list of numbers for an emergency. Include friends, relatives, local police, Women's Refuge (even well known numbers can be forgotten in a panic).

Try to save some money for bus/train/cab fares.

Have an extra set of keys for house/flat/car.

Keep the keys, money and a set of clothes for you and the children packed ready in a bag that you can quickly get and take, or leave it with a friend you can trust.

Explain to your children who are old enough to understand that you might have to leave in a hurry and will take them with you or will arrange for them to join you. Discuss the escape drill.

If you have more time to plan, do as much as possible of the following:

Leave when he is not around.

Take all of your children with you.
Take your legal and financial papers, marriage and birth certificates, Court orders, national health cards, passports, driving licence, child credit books, address book, bank books, cheque books, credit cards etc.
Take any of your personal possessions, which have sentimental value - photographs or jewellery for example.
Take favourite toys for the children.
Take clothing for at least several days.
Take any medicine you or your children might need.
If you do leave and later discover you have forgotten something, you can always arrange for the protection of a police escort to return home to collect it.

Step 3 - Save Money
Save whatever money you can in a bank account, which is in your name only. Keep the bank book in a place where your partner won't find it. You can ask the bank not to send you any mail relating to your account. Many women are surprised by how quickly and suddenly they may be in an emergency situation. Save from the housekeeping or however you can if you don't have any other source of income. Knowing you have an emergency fund will give you one less thing to worry about. If possible, try to avoid taking out new loans. If you leave in an emergency, close joint bank accounts as soon as possible to avoid him running up an overdraft.

Pregnancy
Your partner may become even more abusive during your pregnancy and immediately after giving birth. Talk to your midwife and/or obstetrician and seek support to protect yourself. Discuss suitable methods of birth control with your GP/Obstetrician and/or midwife. Ensure the method chosen is your responsibility and not your partner's.

Step 4 - He Is Responsible For His Behaviour
Remember that his behaviour is his responsibility. Do not be ashamed to tell someone that he is abusing you. It is not your fault. If he abuses you, he has a problem. Encourage him to get help. If you think something is wrong, it makes sense to ask for help even though it may be difficult. It does not mean you are stupid or weak to ask for help. It means you are doing something positive to help yourself. Making changes can be hard; getting support can make it easier.

Suicide Is Not The Answer
It is normal to feel depressed at this time in your life (in fact, it would be more worrying if you were not!). Many women have the feeling that suicide is the only real option. Killing yourself may seem like the best escape. If you feel suicidal, it's often the result of believing your partner's put-downs, denying your anger towards him and taking it out on yourself. There are other options. There are refuges (safe houses), help lines and people who will help if you reach out. If you don't find help at first, keep on looking; it doesn't mean you were wrong to ask. You have a right to be angry about your situation. Use your anger to begin to take care of yourself. Faith and trust in yourself are important to feeling good about yourself. Face your feelings and fears. Praise yourself for what you do well. Have faith in your future. You can learn from your experiences and you can change your life.

Relax and Play
Find something that you like to do for yourself; you deserve to have some happiness and fun in your life. It needn't be something huge or expensive; perhaps a walk in the local park, a bunch of flowers, a hot bubble bath, an uninterrupted half an hour reading or listening to music. Make a list of things you could do and try and do at least one a day.

Step 5 - Eat Well and Regularly
Your physical health affects the way you feel and how well you can cope with stress. You are a person of value and deserve to be treated well. Feeling physically healthy can help you to feel emotionally stronger.

Beware of Abusing Pills, Alcohol, and Other Drugs
Some women take pills to calm their nerves, or they try to block out the pain and anxiety by drinking too much or taking other drugs. This will not help in the long term and can make you more vulnerable because you can't think clearly. You also end up losing energy that you may need in a crisis.

Get Some Job Skills
It will be easier for you to be independent if you have some job skills. If you need to develop some job skills or update the ones you already have, do it as soon as possible. Even if you can't get a job or don't want one, you could do volunteer work. This might help you to develop more skills and stop feelings of isolation.

Look After Yourself
You are a strong women and you can grow even stronger by taking some of these steps. Whatever you choose to do, we will support you.

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE. IT IS NOT A PRIVATE FAMILY MATTER - IT'S A CRIME. THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE.